Confused Biden Wanders Off And Starts World War III

Now that our government is being run by a faceless, unelected cabal of credentialed socialist elites who are so intellectually brilliant they have passed beyond the golden realm of genius into an ethereal dumpster of complete stupidity, there is not much left for our dementia-riddled president to do except lie in his lawn chair, eat Jello and start a nuclear war with Russia.

The end of the world began as national leaders gathered at the G-20 summit in Rio de Janeiro this week, where President Biden was disappointed to learn that Peking Lame Duck did not mean that dinner was Chinese take-out but just that he had to stand behind Xi Jinping in the group photo. So as important world leaders — like whoever the president of Indonesia is — rose to give speeches promoting world peace, the dejected Biden wandered off to finish coloring the Winnie-the-Pooh-Gets-Stuck-in-a-Knothole page of his briefing book, and then give Ukraine permission to fire American-made long range missiles into a country run by a power hungry lunatic with a nuclear arsenal large enough to reduce the ruins of Great Britain to the ruins of Great Britain.

In a speech delivered to a potted plant he mistook for a little girl with great-smelling hair, Biden explained why he changed his strategy from letting the war drag on forever through maundering incompetence to getting everyone on earth killed through maundering incompetence.

The president told the adorable little plant, “Given the inexcusable aggression of Vladimir Putin’s reckless attempt to rebuild the Russian empire by invading a perfectly innocent cesspit of corruption like Ukraine, I just wanted to see the pretty streaks of light that missiles make when you fire them across the night sky. And by the way, your hair smells terrific, but I don’t think you should have dyed it green like that.”

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was ecstatic at being set free to recklessly provoke a nuclear power, and celebrated by adding yet another inexplicable ‘y’ to his last name, then goose-stepping back and forth through the rubble of a children’s hospital while spouting double-talk in a French accent in the hopes someone might mistake him for Napoleon.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin, meanwhile, responded to the attacks by lowering the Russian standard for nuclear retaliation. Whereas before, the Putin doctrine declared that a Russian nuclear attack could only be triggered as a self-defensive response to a ground invasion of the motherland, it now permits the launch of world-destroying total war as a gesture of annoyance at the crappy finale of Gilmore Girls or any other equivalently frothy-but-delightful streaming concoction. The doctrine is mitigated by the fact that nuclear launch cannot begin without the final approval of President Putin or anyone else wearing a spiked helmet and beating his bared chest while proclaiming his right to world domination.

Among political conservatives, the sudden launch of American-made missiles from Ukraine into Russia set off a round of wild speculation as to Biden’s motives. Some claimed that the president had set World War III in motion as a reaction to the recent election results, because he felt a series of bright explosions that turned the sky into a sparkling wonderland of irradiated human ash would be an appropriately spectacular way for him to celebrate the defeat of Kamala Harris after she humiliated him by forcing him to abandon a presidential campaign that he would absolutely have won had he still been alive in any meaningful sense of the word. Such theories were dismissed as implausible, however, because they depended on Biden thinking clearly enough to have a discernible motive.

As for President-elect Donald Trump, he spent the day at the Florida headquarters of Space X, where he watched Elon Musk launch a 400-foot-tall starship that would travel halfway around the globe, land gently on Vladimir Putin’s desk in his office at the Kremlin, and open to release a miniature robot Trump who would march out, slap Putin in the face, tell him to stop invading other people’s countries, then march back into the starship, which would return safely to Florida after stopping at McDonald’s to pick up a Happy Meal.

So the transition continues.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.